The NotSoSecret Lives of LOTR
by hyper squirrel
Summary: includes: gimli's milkshake, smeagol's midnight barbeque, Hank the Happy Hemorrhoid, Peter Pan, Harry Potter, Elvis and more!


A/N: Hello there all you crazy folks! Crazy? You ask. We're not crazy! Well, you have to be, to be reading this. Because if you were sane you wouldn't be reading this, you would be reading something else that is maybe not so insane. Wouldn't you? I know I would. If I were sane, that is. Rambling...  
  
Disclaimer: Need I waste my time?  
  
Ok, so we all know Gimli isn't entirely sane. But have we ever realized just how insane he is? The Fellowship did, one day in Lorién.  
  
They were all sitting around, doing nothing, when suddenly Gimli jumped up, said, "I've got it!" and ran out.  
  
The Fellowship looked at each other curiously for about five minutes. Each were thinking something different. For example, Gandalf was thinking, "Where is my pina colada? That Haldir promised he'd bring me one! Elves these days..." Aragorn was thinking, "Got what? Herpes?" Merry was thinking, "MUST- HAVE- SQUIRREL-" (in case you didn't know, Merry was secretly intrigued by squirrels and wanted one as a pet.)  
  
Gimli returned. He sashayed to the middle of the horseshoe shape they were sitting in and said, "If I may have your attention, please?" He needn't have bothered, as the whole Fellowship was staring at him.  
  
"Presenting...Gimli's milkshake!" Gimli said. He started dancing like a chicken would and singing, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, And they're like, it's better than yours, Damn right, it's better than yours, I could teach you, but I have to charge," over and over and over again.  
  
While he was singing (which took about three minutes) two Elves passed through the outside of the horseshoe, passing out milkshakes off of their carts.  
  
Coincidentally, one was Haldir. When he got to Gandalf, he handed him a milkshake and prepared to move on to the next person. But Gandalf had other plans.  
  
"What's this?" he shouted. "A milkshake? You stupid boy! I told you to bring me a pina colada! Where in Middle-Earth is my pina colada????? BRING ME A PINA COLADA!"  
  
Haldir, needless to say, was so scared he peed his pants, bowed, and ran off to get a pina colada.  
  
"With a little umbrella in it, please!" called Gandalf. "A pink one!"  
  
The rest of the Fellowship stared at him (except Gimli, who was still singing).  
  
"What?" he asked. "I like to get in touch with my feminine side."  
  
There was a murmur of comprehension from the Fellowship. "OOOOHHHH!" said Sam (aka the mayor of Winnipeg) stupidly.  
  
Gimli eventually stopped singing, Gandalf got his pina colada, and everyone sat drinking their milkshakes (except Gandalf, he was drinking his pina colada).  
  
Suddenly a boy dressed all in green ran out from the trees. He ran towards Merry, stopped, extended his hand to Merry, and said, "Come with me to Neverland."  
  
Merry's eyes widened. "Michael Jackson? My mother loves your music! Can I get your autograph for her?"  
  
"Who is this Michael Jackson?" asked the boy. "I am Peter Pan."  
  
"Oh, sorry," said Merry shamefacedly. "But I am a child's height, and you did say you wanted me to come to Neverland, which is the name of his ranch, you know, where he molests children."  
  
An Elf ran in to the clearing and chopped off Peter Pan's head.  
  
"Well, now that that's settled," said Frodo happily. "We can get on to the real good stuff!" He ran out.  
  
A few minutes later, he returned, dressed in a peanut suit.  
  
The Fellowship stared.  
  
Finally Pippin broke the silence. "Er- what the hell?"  
  
"I am Hank the Happy Hemorrhoid," said Frodo proudly. He started to dance clumsily around the group, singing, "I get bigger when you void, I'm Hank the Happy Hemorrhoid!"  
  
"I had one of them once!" said Sam.  
  
Now it was his turn to be stared at.  
  
"It's true," said Sam.  
  
"Riiiight," said Legolas.  
  
"Well, it's not like you don't have anything to be stared at about!" said Gimli. "Remember when you went into therapy?"  
  
Legolas shuddered, remembering the time when Gimli had thought he was straight (he and Gimli were gay) and had made him go into therapy. Every time he had thought about a woman in the wrong way, they would Taser him.  
  
"Thought so," said Gimli, smirking.  
  
An Elf came in to the clearing, handed a letter to Pippin, and left.  
  
"Dear Peregrin (or may I call you Pippin?)" read Pippin out loud. "I am your biggest fan, and I am completely in love with you. I will send you some flowers or chocolate or something tonight. You are the greatest! Will you be mine? Signed, Your #1 Fan."  
  
The Fellowship now stared at Pippin.  
  
"Oh...my...god," said Pippin slowly. "I'm being..."  
  
"WHAT?" yelled the Fellowship. "YOU'RE BEING WHAT?"  
  
"...stalked," Pippin finished.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed Sam.  
  
"Umm...Sam, don't you think that Pippin should be the one screaming, not you?" asked Boromir.  
  
"Oh yeah," said Sam thoughtfully after a moment. "Sorry Pippin."  
  
"Yeah...whatever..." said Pippin, who was staring at the letter, a mix of shock, disgust and horror on his face.  
  
Suddenly a screaming fangirl ran into the clearing. "Pippin! Oh Pippin, you got my letter!"  
  
"YOU sent me this?" asked Pippin incredulously.  
  
"Yep," said the fangirl.  
  
"But...but...that's just...wrong!"  
  
"Er- do you know her, Pip?" asked Merry.  
  
"What?" said Pippin, turning to face Merry. "Oh, yeah, she's my dad's illegitimate child that he had with a hooker."  
  
"So, technically, we can still get married because we're not really related!" said the fangirl excitedly.  
  
"No, Esther, we can't," said Pippin. "We've got the same father, so technically, we are related."  
  
Tears formed in Esther's eyes. "There's someone else, isn't there?" she asked.  
  
"Well, yes actually, there is," said Pippin, looking around for someone who could go along with it to rid him of Esther forever.  
  
"And who is that?" demanded Esther.  
  
"Umm...it's... Merry!" said Pippin, throwing his arms around Merry and kissing him on the cheek.  
  
"Eww!!! You're... GAY!" yelled Esther. "I can't believe I ever liked you!"  
  
And with that she ran off.  
  
"Yay!" shouted Pippin. "She's gone forever!"  
  
He turned to Merry, who was looking traumatized.  
  
"Oh, sorry Merry," he said. "I just HAD to get rid of her once and for all!" He struck a dramatic pose.  
  
"Doesn't work, Pippin," said Gandalf, shaking his head. "Hobbits these days..." he muttered.  
  
"Well, maybe we should continue on our journey, hey guys?" asked Aragorn.  
  
There were a few mumblings of "Yeah, sure, whatever," and a few of "Stupid idiot, just wants to be king all the sooner." Aloud they all said, "Why yes, O Aragorn, we should. Let's...um...go!"  
  
A/N: So did you like the craziness? Next chappie expect: Sam gets his feet waxed, Haldir & Glorfindel compare deodorants, Galadriel's battle with a rogue nail polish, The Geometry Set of Doom, The Killer Barbie Doll from Hell, and much much more!  
  
And remember,  
  
FLAMES ARE ALWAYS WELCOME! 


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